Spoof Lucy Gao E-Mail
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'Dear Friends,
Thank you for all your replies and I am glad all of you can come this Friday to attend my funeral.
Please remember that I will be passing away suddenly and unexpectedly after being trampled by a run-away circus buffalo on the streets of London. On its back will be a pygmy. The trampling will occur at 8.42am, after the buffalo escapes at 8.31am. I will be posing for photos between 8.43am and 9.07am, so please be on time.
The service will be at 3.14pm at St Michael's Cathedral. Remember to wear black mourning-wear, as the monks won't let you in wearing charcoal or raven.
Sudden outbursts of sobbing will be from 3.28pm to 3.52pm
Lamenting will be between 3.53pm and 4.08pm
Despondent melancholy will be between 4.09pm and 4.18pm
My wake will commence at the Ritz at 5.06pm. Please remember your arrival time, or you won't be allowed in. When you speak to each other during the wake, please remember that the appropriate volume level is a sorrowful 8 - 13 decibels.
At 6.19pm there will be spontaneous communal singing of my favourite hymn. There is a B-flat in there that I have noticed can be difficult for some of you, so remember to rehearse and rest up your vocal chords.
Drunken displays of sorrow will be from 8.28pm - 10.01pm'.
