Warning - the contents of this item are a little explicit (although we have done some editing and toned it down).

Just to put it in context, 'Elizabeth' has been caught out cheating on her banker boyfriend ('Brad').

'Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try - other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing.

I can handle you being p.ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it. I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us. What I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday. I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me. There are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't.

I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, (but) I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth'


RESPONSE:

'Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern.

I'll be sure to file (your e-mail) away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken w.ores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No... doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing" - bl.wing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice, in a 2 hour span or that you seemed to think that by saying "well, I didn't f..k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person - they just think you're an average run-of-the-mill dumb bimbo who I'd be better off without.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do - watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

Talk to you never,

Brad

PS I forwarded about 100 people on this e-mail'

Reader Posts

''Brad' actually works for Morgan Stanley. On a recent trip to London he left a trendy nightspot without paying the bill - leaving a Brit and an Aussie investment banker to foot the bill. 'Brad' is regarded as a bit of a 'weirdo'. I would imagine 'thunder-thighs' left him because he was either (a) a cheap-skate or (b) a weiro'.

'I bet it was the Aussie who eventually paid the bill!'.

'I suspect 'Brad' was more concerned about the 'thigh issue' than 'Elizabeth's escapades'.

'Does anyone have her number ?'

'No one seems to give a damn about my needs - I was left 'high and dry' in the Men's Room while she ran back to her boyfriend'!

''Brad' couldn't have truly loved her - 'coz otherwise he would have forgiven her'.

''Forgiven her ?'. The only solution is to give her the bullet'.

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