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Original Post

'What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board ? Any wives ? Could you send me some tips ? I dated a business man who made average of around 200 - 250K. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. $250,000 won't get me to Central Park West. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker, and lives in Tribeca. She's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right ? How do I get to her level ?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out ? Give me specifics - bars, restaurants, gyms

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

- Is there an age range I should be targeting ?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the Upper East Side so plain? I've seen really 'Plain Jane' boring types, who have nothing to offer incredibly wealthy guys. Then I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the East Village. What's the story there ?

Lawyers, investment bankers, doctors. How much do those guys really make ? And where do the hedge fund guys hang out ?

How do you rich guys decide on marriage vs. just a girlfriend ? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial - at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice hearth and home'.

Investment Banker's Response:

Dear Pers-431649184:

'I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time. I qualify as a guy who fits your bill - that is, I make more than $500K per year. That said, here's how I see it:

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is a plain and simple crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity - in fact, it is very likely that my income will increase, but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms, you are a depreciating asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, however your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain - you're 25 now and will likely remain pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 - stick a fork in you!

So, in Wall Street terms, we'd call you a trading position - not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to 'buy you' (which is what you're asking) - so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following: if my money were to go away, so would you so when your beauty fades I need an out too. It's as simple as that. So the deal that makes sense for me is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as 'articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful' as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that, if you are as gorgeous as you say you are your $500K man hasn't found you if only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic 'pump and dump'. I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, please let me know'.

The Comeback

'Dear Investment Banker

I must confess that I was somewhat taken aback upon reading your e-mail. Indeed, it has taken some time for me to sufficiently recuperate from my surprise. Lest your confidence quickly inflate for little reason (as we know is the predisposition for Wall Street types), allow me to hasten to reassure you that the source of my surprise was neither your candor nor the accuracy of your perception. Indeed, it is your 'claimed' success in light of your poor grasp of economics which has me baffled. If the standards required to meet with financial success on Wall Street have sunk so low, perhaps I should indeed 'make my own money'.

By now you are likely scratching your ever-vanishing hairline in confusion, so allow me to elaborate, dear man. To build some credibility I will tell you a bit more about yourself. It is absolutely clear that you are an investment banker and not a trader, as any good trader would understand that human courtships are based upon a semi-efficient open market, and not an investment banking cartel. However, your inability to grasp the realities of the dating market is not surprising, given that you have successfully employed the tools of collusion and market manipulation rather than true acumen in your pursuit of so-called 'wealth'.

If your grasp of finance were not a minority partner with your ego, you would realize that the 'outflows' associated with my depreciating 'assets' are quite certain, and therefore subject to a low discount rate when determining their present value. In addition, though your concept of economics evidentially failed to move past the 1950s, advancement in plastic surgery is not subject to the same limitation. Thus, with some additional capital expenditure, the overall lifetime of 'outflows' generated by these assets is greatly increased. Sad that Ashton Kutcher has demonstrated understanding of the female asset class which you, in all of your financial 'wisdom', have not.

You, on the other hand, are, given the uncertainty of the Wall Street job market, more of an inflation-indexed junk bond with an underwater nested call option. Though you may argue that you are more of an equity investment, my monetary minimums required from you do not change, and if you are unable to pay them, I will liquidate you without the benefit of a Chapter 11 - just as you would me.

Because your outflows are so much more uncertain with respect to mine, I require additional compensation in the form of a underwater nested call option on your future assets. I say underwater because, even taking into account the value of your junk bond coupon payment to me, the value of my 'outflow' is in excess of the market price of your equity (which is quite low due to its riskiness associated with your poor grasp of finance, and my existing claim upon your junk bond coupon).

I must thank you though for raising these issues, despite the reputational cost of subjecting your weak logic to such widespread scrutiny. This took either considerable courage or ignorance on your part - but we'll give you the benefit of doubt, just this once. My current boyfriend (a trader who lives in Central Park West, of course) and I thoroughly enjoyed discussing your response, and we wish you the best of luck in your unhappy pursuit of that elusive market inefficiency'.

Reader Comment:

1. If she piles on the weight, it's likely to be 'plump and dump!'

2. 'The Investment Banker's response is correct if you see the gold digger as providing only companionship, looks and sophistication.