Here's some market info on the subject of 'rogue traders', and another silly song.

A welcome Basel IV regulatory change will require a brand new capital tier, 'Rogue Capital', for any bank deemed to exceed the Maximum Rogue Trader benchmark. A White Paper on the precise metric is currently under consideration, but early indications are that the capital percentage will be a factor of 'front office white noise to compliance tut-tutting, multiplied by managerial temper volatilities'.

A 'People's Rogue Trader Charter' has been jointly proposed by US and UK regulators. Both novice and experienced Rogue Traders alike, in the employ of institutions regulated within their respective jurisdictions, will be covered by the Charter. Until 12/31/08, mandatory compliance with the Charter will be voluntary, but thereafter voluntary compliance will become mandatory. This ground-breaking standard will ensure that long traditions of rogue trader skills through all levels and functions within the industry - such as post-discovery managerial 'surprise', investigative obfuscation and blog-driven viral conspiracy theories - will be maintained, and that plot lines remain suitable for newspaper serialisation, Hollywood blockbuster hyping and eventual direct-to-DVD release.

To ensure that Rogue Trading skills are not lost to future finance generations, academic institutions on both sides of the Atlantic will offer a broad selection of vocational programmes for all levels of Rogue Trader, culminating in sought-after qualifications ranging from Diplomas in Roguery (part time) to fully funded scholarships in post graduate Doctorates in Advanced Applied Rogueology.

And finally, major TV production houses are rumoured to be in the midst of secretive discussions for pilot reality show spin-offs. Under consideration is said to be:

• 'I'm A Continental Rogue Trader, Get Me Out Of Here', where D-list and wanna-be rogue traders are locked in the Frankfurt trading floor of a failed CDO hedge fund, sat in front of broken Bloomberg terminals, and challenged to partake in 'bush tucker trials', imbibing flat non-vintage sparkling wine and scoffing dried-to-curling sandwich triangles, stale water crackers and out-of-date duck pate.
• A series of 'Dumb-ass Deals: My Nightmare Trade', guaranteed to keep traders, regulators, management and shareholders awake until late into the night.

Finally, a little ditty, to be sung to the tune of Who's My Generation:

'People try to bid things down,
Talking 'bout securitisation

Just because the market's drowned,
Talking 'bout annihilation

All my bonds I hope get sold,
Talking 'bout remuneration

Panic trading's making me old,
Talking 'bout my termination

Expectation or humiliation, baby ?
In my situation, I need medication, baby !'

READER COMMENT:

'Let's nominate Gordon Brown as Professor Emeritus for selling 50% of the UK's gold reserves a while back - and losing us billions!'.

Press here to comment on this story >>

Today in Life: Too Little Reward at The Arbitrager >>

TODAY

• Top Firm 'Could Bleed To Death Slowly'
• Has Cityboy Finally Lost The Plot ?
• Lying On CVs Is On The Increase

THIS WEEK

• Welcome To Our Firm - You're Fired!
• Top Firm 'Could Bleed To Death Slowly'
• Has Cityboy Finally Lost The Plot ?