Job Application - A Friday Funny
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This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to a large DIY chain in the UK.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: x x (Known to his friends as Grumpy B.stard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will co-operate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or even Managing Director. (Otherwise, whatever's available).
DESIRED SALARY: $300,00 a year plus share options, perks and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It was a cr.p job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here ?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what ?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with large bre.sts and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE ?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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