'Private & Extremely Confidential

As you are no doubt aware, the City is likely to be besieged by a group of G20 protesters this week.

Please be assured that everything is being done (within reason) to ensure that our employees make the most of this opportunity, and below are a number of suggestions which may help you have some fun in the coming days:

1. Tipping buckets of water over the heads of protesters usually only incites the mob to further violence. Adding large blocks of ice, however, will probably render them harmless.

2. In previous years, bankers have thought it fun to throw wads of bank notes to protesters in an effort to whip them up into even greater frenzy. Doubtless this year, however, there will be a howl of protests from government officials if staff use bailout-out funds in this manner. In the circumstances, staff should please stick to throwing coins.

3. Throwing food - during these difficult times for the global economy, it would clearly be inappropriate to throw expensive food items at the protesters. Staff should, therefore, please stick to everyday items like Beluga Caviar, lobster and oysters.

4. Building Services has advised that we do have six large emergency fire hoses on the premises. These are very powerful pieces of equipment, and are likely to blast protesters off their feet when directed from an open window safely above the fray. In view of the limited number of hoses, there will be an auction and they will be made available to the bankers who lodge the highest bids. All proceeds will go to the fund we have started to pay back our TARP borrowing.

5. Human Resources has advised that we are to lay-off a number of settlements clerks next month, and, as this group is surplus to requirements, they will be patrolling the outside of the building to ward off uninvited visitors. Clearly this group will probably be subjected to violence from the protesters, but we do ask other bank staff to ensure that the group does not come under extensive 'friendly fire'.

Finally, although we do understand that staff may find it difficult to resist winding up the protesters, nevertheless we do ask you to exercise some restraint - events like this can provide much needed light relief, but only if not taken too far.

PS - Please note that staff will be frisked by security personnel each morning this week, and all Taser guns will be confiscated and locked away, ready for use only as a last resort in the event that protesters gain access to the building.

Reader Comment

'Surely this is an opportunity to put 'Helicopter Bernanke's' theories to the test. The government should send all bankers wads of fifties, and we can help with Quantitative Easing by throwing bailout money out of our office windows at the protesters. You might call it 'Gravity-powered trickle-down economics!'.

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