Several banks are now engaging third-party companies which deal with employees who suspect that they have contracted the H1N1 virus. Detailed below is the transcript of a recent call.

Operator

'Hello caller. Thanks for contacting the H1N1 virus helpline. I hope you're having a great day'.

Caller

'Actually, I'm not. I've a headache, a runny nose, a sore throat and I've got diarrhoea'.

Operator

'I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Now, how can we be of assistance to you today ?'

Caller

'I'm sick, and I'm worried. Can you help me ?'

Operator

'I hope so, sir. That's why we're here. Now, what are your symptoms ?'

Caller

'I've a headache, a runny nose, a sore throat and I've got diarrhoea'

Operator

'Well, I don't want to panic you, sir, but I think you may have the H1N1 virus'.

Caller

'What makes you think that ?'

Operator

'Well, you've a headache, a runny nose, a sore throat and got diarrhoea. And you're calling the H1N1 virus helpline, aren't you ?'

Caller

'Yes. So, can you help me ?'.

Operator

'OK. Let's just go through a few questions. Now, what makes you think that you've the H1N1 virus, sir ?'

Caller

'Well, I've a headache, a runny nose, a sore throat and I've got diarrhoea. And you just told me that you thought I had it!'.

Operator

'Well, let's not jump to conclusions, sir. Now, are you pregnant, sir ?'.

Caller

'I'm a man. How can I be pregnant ?'

Operator

'I detect a bit of an attitude, sir. I'm sorry, but I'm told I have to ask you all the questions'.

Caller

'OK, sorry'.

Operator

'And are you intending to go to work today, sir ?'.

Caller

'Not if you tell me I've got the H1N1 flu virus, I'm not'.

Operator

'Under no circumstances must you go to work if you have the virus, sir. Do you think you have the H1N1 virus, sir ?'

Caller

'I'm not sure. That's why I'm calling this helpline'.

Operator

'Well you shouldn't be calling the H1N1 virus helpline unless you think you've got the H1N1 virus, sir. There are a lot of very sick people trying to get through to us right now, you know'.

Caller

'But I'm sick. I've a headache, a runny nose, a sore throat and I've got diarrhoea, and you told me that I've probably got the virus!'.

Operator

'Please keep your voice down, sir. No wonder you have a sore throat. All that shouting is no good for you, you know'.

Caller

'I'm sorry, but I don't feel well. Can you authorise some Tamiflu for me ?'

Operator

'Only if you have the H1N1 flu virus, sir. Do you think you've got the virus, sir ?'.

Caller

'Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm 100% certain that I've got the f.cking virus. Now can you please let me have some Tamiflu ?'.

Operator

'Can you give me your ZIP code then, sir ?'

Caller

'10031'

Operator

'Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We appear to have run out of Tamiflu in your area'.

Caller

'Run out ? Run out ? What do you mean you've run out ?'

Operator

'Too many idiots ringing up this helpline with headaches, runny noses, sore throats and diarrhoea claiming that they have the H1N1 virus, sir. Thank you for calling the H1N1 virus helpline'.

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