Memo to all Executive Personnel

'As many of you are aware, senior bankers are under the microscope as never before, as governments and lawmakers around the world aim to deflect attention for their own shortcomings onto us and our industry. Anyway, it's a fact of life these days that many members of the public are miffed that we are still well off, when they have lost their homes because they kept re-financing to pay for goodies they couldn't afford, and invested unwisely in Ponzi schemes like Bernie Madoff.

But we must not rub salt into the wounds of those who are angry about our good fortune, and every effort should now be made to conceal our abundance of wealth.

With this in mind, we are now issuing all executives with strict guidelines about how they are expected to act and behave outside the office.

1. Corporate Attire

Executives should no longer come to work in designer gear. Please leave the good stuff at home, arriving at work in more appropriate garb. Both Tesco and Wal-Mart do a fine line in modest suits and womenswear.

2. Lavish Entertaining

Do not purchase magnums of champagne in local bars or clubs. Multi-single bottle purchases are, however, acceptable. Remember not to use your corporate card when purchasing booze and other goodies, because someone is bound to notice (especially after you have had a few). All personal purchases, however, can be reclaimed in the normal way.

3. Discretion at weekends

Please wear overalls over your tweeds when leaving your City mansion each weekend for your country retreat. And if you must aim your shotguns at protesters, please make sure that you fire well over their heads. Last week's accident was most unfortunate from a Media Relations perspective.

4. Use of Bank Cars / Drivers

If you use a driver to take you to work, please get him to drop you off at the end of the road. There's nothing worse from a PR perspective than to see lines of limos dropping off executives outside the main entrance.

5. Eating Out

Please do not frequent expensive restaurants during lunch time or in the evenings. We have now upgraded the dining facilities on the top floor (again), and all executives can stuff themselves full of posh food at our expense, and in privacy.

6. Corporate Jets

 All corporate jets have now all been grounded, as these have become symbols for greed and excess. Private planes can be chartered via Purchasing, however, in the normal way.

7. The Bank's Art Collection

The bank's Art Collection is being disbanded. Lawmakers, clients and stockholders feel that it is inappropriate to display valuable art around the building during a time of economic hardship. Our various da Vincis, Van Goghs and Picassos will therefore by loaned indefinitely to executives to hang in their homes. Note that executives are limited to 6 paintings each. Please do not sell any artwork without specific permission beforehand, and try to keep these valuable pieces well away from pets.

8. Use of bank staff to undertake personal chores.

Executives have, for several years, used back office staff to undertake menial chores for them (cutting the grass at home, picking up the kids from school, buying birthday and Christmas gifts for the wife and girlfriend, etc). Unfortunately, this practice must now cease. To compensate executives for the inconvenience, however, we are increasing base salaries by 50%.

This list is not exhaustive, and executives will need to be alert to ensure that outside parties do not find out that our gravy train hasn't really left the station. Remember, plead poverty, act humble and play dumb at all times!'.

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