HM Revenue & Customs

Why do HM Revenue & Customs bother to have so-called 'Help Lines' ? When you finally get through, the 'helper' at the other end invariably can't help, and you get referred to a 'specialist'. Trouble is, you always seem to get cut off when being transferred to the 'specialist', and never get the help you seek. The tax man, however, obtains some much-needed revenue, as you have to call using a premier-rate number!

Royal Mail

Two days after reporting that a urgent package of medication was overdue, I get a call from a manager who is now dealing with my complaint. He reassures me that he is on the case. I ask him exactly what has been done to find the missing package over the previous 48 hours, and what he was going to do differently from the people who have been unsuccessfully searching for it. 'Oh', came the response, 'They used electronic methods. I'm going to telephone'. In two days, all Royal Mail had done was send a f..king e-mail! Clowns.

The British Criminal Justice System

A 'strapping' 17-year-old hoodie smashes the windows of a 71-year-old UK-based German grandmother (who survived the Nazis, and escaped over the Berlin Wall), and the granny is hauled into court for prodding the hoodie with one finger! Madness, I know, but we now live in a country where the hooligans and chavs have more rights than the people they terrorise.

Barack Obama &  Chicago's Unsuccessful Olympic Bid

The International Olympic Committee is said to have humiliated the US President, who flew specially to Copenhagen Friday, but failed to convince the Committee that his native Chicago was the place to host the 2016 Olympics. Actually, Obama humiliated himself - swanning off there and failing didn't do much for his image. The Prez will need to quickly learn that all that rhetoric and hype only works back home (and, even there, not for long). And will someone please tell him that it's usually the VP who gets to do all the potentially humiliating jobs. That's what Veeps are for. It's in the Constitution!

The UK Economy

UK Chancellor Alistair Darling is concerned that the spending cuts that the Conservatives will impose should they return to power will result in 'crashing the economy'. Eh, no, Alistair, the tax and spending policies of Labour governments over the last 12 years have already crashed the economy.

Dog Walking

Being an old geezer, I have a dog. Needless to say, I take the dog to the local park for a little exercise (for us both). And I notice that the park these days is full of official-looking types in uniform. Are they there to put the druggies out of business, keep the whinos quiet, or ensure that the chavs with their dangerous dogs remain under control ? No, they are simply there to make sure that the rest of us harmless-types pick up our own dogs' shit and stick it in the appropriate bin!

This concerns me, as my pet has the infuriating habit of running over to the other end of the park and shitting (must be a privacy thing), and, of course, I can never find it to clear it up. 'Don't worry', says one of my fellow dog-walkers, 'It happens to me all the time. Just go over and carefully pick up a few leaves, and put them in your plastic bag (be sure to hold it away from your nose as if it stinks, though). Tie it up and then bin it. It fools the parkies every time!'.

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