Author of the best seller 'Beer and Loathing in the Square Mile', Cityboy has joined the Here Is The City team, and will be posting his views on a number of City-related topics when the time-constraints imposed by his hedonistic lifestyle permit.

Here's his first column:

'A recent article in the Financial Times claimed that 'cocaine use remains rife among City workers in spite of rising unemployment and lower wages'. Well, an experience I had last week suggested they might be on to something here, although it appears the quality of what Cityboys are ingesting these days ain't what it used to be ....

'This recession has been ruining my buzz', declared a wide-eyed former client of mine, whilst he vainly tried to gulp down his soft-shell crab over a boozy lunch in Soho. Seeing as he was gurning so badly I thought he was trying to audition for 'My Left Foot', this seemed a preposterous claim. However, his subsequent explanation of his drug-related woes not only justified his statement, it made me realise that our current economic malaise is having a negative impact on the less salubrious elements of our most decadent society.

According to my befuddled pal, the quality of his favourite nose candy had been on a steady decline over the last year directly as a result of sterling's devaluation against the Euro. 'John' claimed that the average wrap of Charlie in London was now only about 9% pure, because smugglers no longer had the financial incentive to export the devil's dandruff into our fair isle (and not, as they claim, because of the determined efforts of the Metropolitan Police). Apparently, it used to be worth taking the extra risk to import toot into Blighty because strong sterling meant that the £50-a-gramme average price dealers charged here was almost one and half times the return seen in places like Spain.

Recently, however, because the pound and the Euro have began trading close to parity, there has been no such incentive. Hence drug-taking Londoners have been snorting more crushed aspirin and vim than ever before. And while this may be disappointing for those seeking a buzz, it should mean that fewer innocent bystanders are subjected to an endless stream of egotistical drivel from self-obsessed sniffling buffoons (whilst having the added benefit of ensuring cleaner nostrils and fewer headaches amongst our drug-taking populace).

'John' also explained that the cost of procuring a prostitute in Eastern Europe had declined by 50% over the last year or so (though this happily-married gentleman neglected to inform me how he knew this), and that the price of a Slavic 'lady of easy virtue' was a precise barometer for Europe's economic well-being. Finally, he declared that the popularity, or otherwise, of London's strip joints was also a flawless indicator of the City's prosperity (or lack of it). He argued that Cityboys tend to be rich, sexually-frustrated, young men and hence are the biggest attendees of the capital's numerous strip joints. He claimed that if a bunch of sweaty Cityboys feel financially confident enough to tuck twenties into strippers' G strings, then things can't be too bad in the Square Mile.

Although few will shed many tears about the plight of drug takers or prostitutes, what's clear is that their fortunes reflect the wider economic situation. The good news, however, is that 'John' was buzzing like a fridge come 4pm, and planning to head off to Stringfellows with some degenerate colleagues ... so maybe things are looking better for the economy after all!'.

Check out Cityboy's website www.cityboy.biz

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