Paradigm shift. The most overblown euphemism for “change” since “sea change.”

Sea change.

Swung to a profit/loss. A staple of Wall Street Journal earnings stories, it conjures images of Tarzan as an accountant.

Downsize (or its variations including “right sized” or “reductions in force.”). They’re being fired, folks.

Sell off. There’s no selling without buying.

Leaving for personal reasons/to spend more time with his family. Yeah, right.

The pendulum has swung too far. Based on my understanding of physics, pendulums, by definition, can’t swing too far.

We are cooperating fully with the investigation. After which our CEO will be leaving to spend more time with his family.

Profit taking. It’s called selling.

Reviewing our strategic alternatives. It’s called selling.

Merger of equals. The business version of jumbo shrimp.

Forward-looking statements. Lawyers must get paid by the word. For the rest of us, “forecast” or “prediction” works just fine.

Quiet period. A legal fiction that grew out of a rule prohibiting companies from hyping their stock before selling shares to the public.

Greed is good. It’s a misquote, it’s overused, and if you think it’s funny, you missed the point of the movie.

Pre-owned. A mangling of the English language to avoid the truth: used.

Pre-approved. A mangling of the English language to hide how lenders see you: a sucker.

Zero-percent financing/interest. How about “no interest”?

The next Enron. There will never be another.

Organic growth/grow the business. Plants and animals grow. Businesses, at least successful ones, expand.

The customer experience. I don’t want to have an experience. I just want to buy stuff and leave.

Send in your additions to this list by mailing us on news@hereisthecity.com

Source - The Houston Chronicle via FT Alphaville

Reader Comments:

'Going forward' - What to remember to do next time, so that you don't f.ck up'.

'Negative growth' - Shrinkage.

'Involuntary attrition' - Redundancies

'Weighted pipeline' - An internal and highly secretive measure of the plausibility of the business that the sales team claims to be pursuing over an undetermined future period of time.

'Reach out' - Why not simply 'call' or 'contact' ?

'Thinking outside the box' - Not thinking at all.

'Synergies' - Redundancies

'Human Resources' - Personnel